


하늘은 그의 파란을 잃었다 – The Sky Lost His Blue

by yminnie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Budding Relationship, F/M, Idols, Love, Manager - Freeform, Minor appearances from other members - Freeform, Past Tense, all are tagged but they probably wont all make appearances, but i just went ahead and tagged them all anyway, don't know how to tag, korea - Freeform, probably only a few will actually be in it, sorry - Freeform, the others will be implied, will had tags as it progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-08-31 17:24:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8587315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yminnie/pseuds/yminnie
Summary: ...In fact he taught me a lot of things, about the world and about myself. But most importantly he taught me how to appreciate and love things for how they were, while they were, because all too soon they would be gone. I learnt that his colours never stopped changing. *READER INSERT - PAST TENSE*





	1. 파랑 (Blue)

**Author's Note:**

> My first story for EXO, woooo!
> 
> So I'm really interested in colour psychology, so I was like hey, why don't I write a fic about it?  
> So that's what I'm doing. I'm writing a Sehun centered chaptered fic revolving around the psychology of colours.. meaning... that each chapter will be taking place at a different time in the past and focusing on one colour.
> 
> I hope you enjoy (:
> 
> P.S. I apologise if any of my Korean is wrong.. I've started learning it, but if there are any mistakes please let me know. I also put the English translation next to it, so if you don't understand Korean you don't have to keep going back and forth.

**_ The colour blue is the colour of trust and responsibility. _ **

 

I’m not one hundred percent sure how one describes the rise of a star. Having no firsthand knowledge myself, I have to rely on the second hand moments I was able to latch onto as I watched from the sidelines as a mere spectator.

I hope these counts don’t discourage you from reading because it’s a story worth telling, and one that I am somewhat eager to share.

In the business of idols you have two choices. Either roll with the changing times or get out. I was never given a choice as I was never an idol.

I met him when the sky was the bluest it would get that year, just before the bitter coldness of winter settled into the bones of the city. I’m not usually one to work in metaphors and beauty, but in the years I spent with him I began to see the world for what it could be if you opened your eyes just a little wider; an orb of colours that have the ability to change in an instant. I learnt that just because the brightness of the colours doesn’t hang around for long, it doesn’t mean they are meaningless. It just makes you appreciate each one even more.

He taught me that.

In fact he taught me a lot of things, about the world and about myself. But most importantly he taught me how to appreciate and love things for how they were, while they were, because all too soon they would be gone.

I learnt that his colours never stopped changing.

 

Did you know that there are only a small amount of moments in your life that you can look back on and smile and say, yes, that’s the moment that changed my life?

Seems untrue right? Because we make so many choices everyday which change the course we’re on, how could we possibly only have a few moments? But I’m not talking about those. I’m taking about the decisions, the big ones that flip your world upside down and make you see everything differently. The ones that at first make you terrified, being faced with the unknown, but eventually warp your way of thinking into positivity and make you so tremendously glad that you did it.

I know what mine was.

The day I met Oh Sehun.

And he was as confident and stable as the colour blue.

 

I hadn’t been in the city long and I had confusing feelings as to what I was actually doing there. I was a foreigner who had a minimal grasp on the language and was more lost than I had ever been in my life.

Why did I think moving to a foreign country was a good idea?

Because I believed that there was more out in the world than what my town offered me. I wanted an adventure. And unknowingly to me at the time, I got it.

It was when the leaves had all but changed from startling oranges and reds to grey and lifeless on the ground that I found myself trudging, not for the first or the second time, down a rain soiled street of Cheongdam-dong back to my apartment that I noticed it. I’d stopped with a huff as I saw my shoelace had untied and caught under my shoe as I bent down to fix it, pulling my coat tighter around me I had to squint against the harsh lights of the building on my right, standing out amongst its surroundings like a Christmas tree that seemed to be reaching for the sky. Curious I’d moved closer, stepping out of the path of the constant stream of pedestrians that passed by eager to get home to their warm inviting beds.

The thought in the back of my mind that I should be doing the same nagged at me, but the building intrigued me more. I watched from the side as a dark car pulled up to the curb, only idling for a minute as three men dressed in dark coats stepped out before it pulled out, joining with the heavy traffic once more.

The men walked towards the building before the shortest of them tapped the tallest one on the arm and they all looked to their right. A group of girls materialised as if out of the shadows, running towards the men with their ponytails flapping in the chilly breeze, flash after flash coming from their phones as they took pictures.

At the time I was curious. I’d heard about how big idols were in South Korea, it was the main reason I was here after all, having attained a scholarship with one of the entertainment companies, but could these men be idols? From where I stood they looked like no more than three friends trying to shield themselves from the cold as they made their way home after a busy day.

I turned away from them, looking back up at the building that had caught my eye in the first place. I marvelled at the way the lights sparkled, almost invitingly, before my eyes were drawn down towards the door as I read the words ‘SM Entertainment.’

A smile stretched across my cheeks as I thought that this is the building where I will be spending most of my time in for at least the next two years. It made me feel calm, as warmth settled in my chest that made me sure that I was supposed to be here. And that’s when I felt the eyes on me and I turned slowly to confirm that one of the taller men was staring right at me, his face hidden behind a face mask and dark hood. The flash of cameras continued behind him as I heard the frustrated whine of one of the girls reached my ears.

“Can I please get a photo with you now, oppa?”

It sounded like a demanded, but the man never took his eyes off me. Feeling unnerved I pulled my phone out and stared down at the screen, sure that he thought I was some crazy fan come to stalk around the building. I glance back up quickly, and confirmed that he was still staring.

How rude could you get?

I turned on my heel then, walking away from the building that I would come to know better in the daylight of tomorrow and headed towards my apartment, all the while still feeling a stare boring into my back.

 

 

In hindsight I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was that my first day didn’t go as smoothly as I had planned for it to.

I had of course researched the job and put a decent amount of effort into learning the Korean language, but as I stood just behind my new mentor, who would be training me in management, as they spoke in a rushed voice in their native tongue, I found myself more lost than up to paces for most of the day. I was clicked at in quick succession as I spaced out, no longer even attempting to understand what they were talking about. But the stern face of my new boss soon brought me back to my senses as I managed to stutter out.

“정송함니다.” (I’m sorry)

And was quickly waved off with a hand and told to take notes.

I could hear the sound of feet stomping over wood floors as I passed by certain room and was curious to see what was happening behind the closed doors. I follow behind the manager as if on a leash, my notebook and pen ready as I took down everything he told me in a messy English scrawl that I would later have to go over and translate for extra practice.

We stopped abruptly outside of a closed door and I looked up to find my boss staring down at me.

“This is one of the lunch rooms where you can sit on your breaks,” I was surprised by his easy to understand English pronunciation. “I’ll ask you to eat something now and then head down for coffees and meet me outside door nineteen in twenty minutes.”

He thrusted a piece of paper towards me that had me fumbling with my notepad before I grabbed it from him, staring at the writing in confusion. I looked up again to ask him to confirm with me, but he’d already turned and begun walking down the corridor telling me once again that I had twenty minutes.

I pushed the door open, walking into a modern room which was equipped with a full kitchen and large benchtop and a white couch pushed against the wall, with a low sleek black table placed between them. I sat on the couch pulling the sandwich I had packed this morning out of my bag and begun to eat it, my hungry stomach grumbling as it was finally satisfied.

I leaned back against the cushions, finally giving my sore feet a well needed rest. I thought about the size of the building and how I had seen no more than five other people the whole morning including my mentor and his boss. Then my mind turned to the men that I saw last night, remembering the one who stared after me that if I’m being honest I’ve been keeping an eye out for the whole morning. Not that I’d be able to tell what he actually looked like without the face mask and the shadows ghosting over his face, but I had the absurd feeling that I would just know it when I saw him. That would be it.

I opened my phone, contemplated messaging my best friend to tell them about my first day, but the time standing out at the top of the screen caused panic to rise in me. I’d forgotten about getting the coffees and there was no doubt in me that I was going to be late getting back. I picked up the paper my boss had given me and stared at the hangul scrawled on it. It took me a few minutes to decipher the words and another five minutes to make it out of the building and find the coffee shop on the corner. I stood impatiently in line, my foot tapping restlessly against the ground as worry nagged at the forefront of my mind.

How much trouble am I going to be in?

Finally the coffees were in my arms and I sped walked back to the building, riding the elevator anxiously as the floor numbers changed almost teasingly slow. I made it to what I was about seventy percent sure was the correct floor and stepped off, striding down the hall as I searched for room nineteen. It turned out to be at the end of the corridor and I stopped, looking around for my boss who should have been waiting for me outside. I shifted the large amount of drinks supported in plastic bags to one hand and grabbed my phone out of my back pocket. I sighed, as the time told me I was ten minutes later than I should have been.

I huffed in annoyance at my own time management and knocked firmly on the door in front of me, figuring that my boss has already gone inside. 

There was no reply.

I knocked again louder this time, but the nose coming from the room only served to drown my presence out. Without prior thought of the consequences of barging into a room unannounced I turned the door handle and stepped inside tripping over my own feet slightly and righting myself just in time to meet the curious gazes of a group of men sitting on chairs towards the back of the room where my boss was standing staring daggers at me.

I mumbled an apology and closed the door behind me, walking over to the group as confidently as I could and placed the coffees on the table in front of them. I felt unnerved as not one of the sets of eyes watching me looked away for even a second. I looked over at my boss hoping that he would give me some sort of indication as to what I do now, but his face was like a statue as he watched me just as curiously.

I sighed, straightening my shoulders and glanced at the men in front of me. I counted them quietly in my head, my final number coming to twelve. So this must be the group I would be looking after while I’m here. The freshly debuted EXO, twelve member South Korean/Chinese idol group.

Great.

I drew in a deep breathe, eager to fix their first impressions of me, something that is not an easy feat.

“안녕하세요. 저는 Y/N-임니다. 만나서 반갑습니다.” (Hello. I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you)

Nobody made a sound.

My biggest worry about myself back then was that when I got nervous I rambled, saying anything to cover the awkward atmosphere. Unfortunately this is a lot easier done in English, when everyone can understand English.

I moved to the table that held the coffees and begun pulling them out of the bags, having no idea what each man’s name was, and what coffee they ordered, but that wasn’t stopping me.

“Anyway, so I went down and got you guys all coffees and if you could help me figure out who’s is whose, that would be a big help to me. And I’m so excited to get to work with you all and get to know you better.”

Nothing but silence, until one of them speaks up, a smaller looking one with a soft face.

“그녀는 뭐라고 말했습니까?”(What did she say?)

I looked up at him, worry on my face as I realised that most of them probably can’t understand what I was saying. That was confirmed when the man beside him shrugged.

This was going to be harder than I originally thought. I took another minute, pushing the thoughts of everyone staring at me out of my mind and bring everything I’ve learnt so far about the language to the forefront of my mind. I take a deep breath and speak in what I hope was an easy to understand tone, hoping that my pronunciation was right.

“Uh, the white iced coffee?”

The one with the small smile jumped up and began to make his way over to me, bowing slightly he took the coffee from my hand.

“Thank you, I’m Chen.”

I nodded my head slightly in acknowledgment and turned back to the coffees.

I handed out almost all of them before there are three left on the table. I picked up the café latte and looked around.

“That’s Suho’s,” My boss spoke up for the first time since I entered the room, gesturing to one of the many with short, dark brown hair.

I walked over in the direction he pointed, heading towards two of them that have yet to get there coffee. Both have brown hair. Both are looking at me expectantly. I have to make my decision, if no one here is going to help me.

“That’s Sehun, not Suho!” My boss practically yelled as I tried to hand the drink to the taller one, who watched me curiously, but did not speak up about my mistake.

I turned and handed the drink to the correct guy, who took it from me with a small smile.

“Well they all look the same,” I mumble in English under my breath, turning back to the other drinks.

My boss almost choked as he shot me a dirty look. I heard laughter coming from one of the boys and turned to see that it was Suho, who obviously understood my English. I just shrugged and gave him a small smile.

 

They broke away into smaller groups after that and I was left standing off to the side with my boss, who’s scowl looked permanently placed on his face. I glanced at him, watching his eyes scan over the others as they talked and laughed amongst themselves. I followed his gaze and my eyes immediately locked onto one of the men who was staring uncaringly at me. I shuffled on my feet slightly, not expecting the attention when my boss clears his throat, forcing me to look away.

“We don’t have anything planned for the rest of the day, so why don’t you take it off. We’ll see you back here at eight tomorrow.”

I nodded quickly, eager to get out of the room that had my nerves on high alert since I walked in. I picked up my bag and headed for the door, before turning back around remembering my manners. I was going to be spending a lot of time with them after all. With a bow I spoke quickly.

“ 안녕히 계세요.” (Goodbye)

I shut the door firmly behind me and had every intention of heading straight for the elevator and out the front doors, still not one hundred percent sure if I would be returning tomorrow morning or not. But as I walked down the long corridor I passed a room with large windows that looked out over the city. I couldn’t resist stepping inside.

The room was empty, only occupied by a long white sofa and sleek black coffee table, the same as in the lunch room. I walked to the windows, placing my bag on the table as I passed by and stared in awe at the site in front of me. The city seemed to stretch on forever as the shades of grey stood out against the reds and left over greens of the plantations around it. The sky was so blue that I had to shield my eyes even through the glass to keep from squinting. It truly was beautiful.

There was nothing like this at home.

I was so entrapped in the cityscape that I didn’t hear the door opening behind me, until a soft voice sounded to my left.

“Are you…okay?” The unsteady voice asked in shaky English.

I would have smiled at the attempt if the sudden appearance of the man didn’t have me jumping back in surprise. He looked worried as I stared at him with wide eyes, my mind tying to comprehend if he intentionally snuck up on me, or if I really was just too caught up in my surroundings.

He looked uncomfortable with my silence and gestured a hand to himself. “I’m Sehun.”

“I’m Y/N,” I replied, stretching out my hand for him to take.

He did immediately; his large hand almost completely covered mine as he shook it twice before letting go.

“Did you follow me out here?” I asked, not accusingly, but out of mere curiosity. Hoping that he understood my horrible Korean.

He’d shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal, he seemed to understand. “You seemed flustered; I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I couldn’t help the smile that made its way onto my face. Being in close proximity with him was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was as if just the act of being near him was serving as a kind of support that held me up and made me confident. It was an interesting quality and not one that I would take for granted.

“I’m okay,” I answered, my voice soft.

He smiles, as if he needed to hear me say it for himself. “You’re coming back tomorrow?”

I stared at him, wondering why it was so important to him that I was even here at all. I wondered what it actually meant to him, if he thought I was just a pretty face for him to look at, or if he just wanted someone to tease. But I don’t think that’s the kind of person he is. I couldn’t help but feel at ease as I looked up at him. I couldn’t help but feel that if he was waiting for me somewhere I would have every reason to return.

“I’ll come back tomorrow.”

His smile split into a grin then, which had me grinning too.

I couldn’t help but think that I could do this.

If Sehun was here with me; I could do anything.


	2. 노란색 (Yellow)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yellow is associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and energy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR!
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry if there are any errors, i have not edited it.
> 
> Please leave a comment or kudos, everything is appreciated (:

“Y/N! Y/N!”

I looked up from the documents in front of me and saw Chanyeol waving his arm over his head as he tried to get my attention. I rolled my eyes, getting up from my chair to see what he needed me for. I bent down to look over his shoulder at the laptop screen he was gesturing at. He had the wolf mv open on his laptop and was marvelling in the fact that so many people had watched it in such a short amount of time. I watched his face, his tan complexion lighting up with the bright smile that stretched across his face.

His joy was purely infectious, and I felt unabashed joy in that minute that I hoped it wouldn’t stop. All the hard work they had put into everything they did was paying off and I felt overjoyed to be with them for it. 

I looked up as someone came to sit with us, my eyes connected with Sehun’s as he greeted me with a small smile.

“안녕하세요.” ( _Hello.)_

“Sehun, have you seen this?” Chanyeol interjected, causing Sehun and I to break eye contact and look at him. He grinned, as he points at the screen.

Sehun looked down at his friend and shook his head before Chanyeol started off on a whole rant about how big they’re going to be and that this is only the start for them. Sehun smiled because he was excited and I watched the two of them, just thankful that I could be sitting in the same room.

~~.~~

Their schedule was packed.

We were all shuffled between South Korea and Hong Kong as the boys promoted their music and new appearance. Cameras flashed everywhere they went, their silhouettes stood out against the bright lights as they made their way from city to city, each with a sea of fans waiting for their arrival.

I watched them from the sidelines, my tired eyes lit up as I watched the boys I had come to know well live their dreams. I got to see the rise of stars, and I would not have traded that for a good night’s rest or a home cooked meal. I was with them; I didn’t need to be anywhere else.

~~.~~

I’d caught his eye at one fan meeting. My eyes had drifted up from my phone as I doubled checked the schedule for the third time in five minutes, we had to be wrapping this up soon if we were to remain on time. My eyes had scanned the table before they came to land on Sehun who was staring at the girl in front of him like she was the only person in the world.

I never admitted it to him, nor did I ever feel the need, but the jealously that rose within me as I looked at the two of them had me shooting daggers at the side of his head. It was ridiculous, and I knew that. Sehun was not mine and yet I felt that I had some sort of claim to him, though he never gave me any reason prior to make me believe that I did.

Our eyes met when she moved onto Jongin, who sat beside him and Sehun looked over my way. His eyebrows knitted together as if he didn’t understand the expression on my face. I blinked quickly, relaxing my face as he gave me a small smile. Against my better judgment I returned it, feeling my cheeks heat up with a blush that I hoped wasn’t noticeable from the distance, before he turned back to the next girl in line.

Out of his gaze I scolded myself for acting like a teenager, butterflies flying in my stomach as I tried to shake the way he had looked at me, lazily almost but no less beautiful, from my mind. I swallowed thickly as I checked my phone again, admitting to myself quietly that I was unfortunately and inappropriately a little bit in love.

~~.~~

Despite how busy they were, I began to notice that Sehun made excuses to approach me. Whether he was asking how I was, or staying up late to watch a movie in the dorms, I noticed his presence more than the others. And as much as I enjoyed his company, there was a part of me that felt as though we were doing something wrong, despite never actually doing anything that could get either of us in trouble.

That was until one night as my eyes began to drift shut that I heard the snap of a camera near my face. My eyes flew open, knowing exactly what Sehun had just done and shot daggers at him, my mouth set into an unimpressed line.

“Delete it.”

He smirked, his finger pressing repeatedly against the screen as he no doubt worked on sending the photo of me to the rest of the members and staff.

“Sehun…” I warned, my exhausted state lowering my usually high tolerance of annoyance.

He glanced at me, his expression the definition of innocence as he raised an eyebrow.

“Delete it.” I repeated slower so he didn’t misunderstand, not in the mood for games.

“No.”

I stared at him, not willing to believe how rude he was being, playful or otherwise. I sighed, pouting slightly as if I were a spoiled child who got in trouble.

“Please,” I tried through clenched teeth.

He looked as if he was thinking over my request before he smirked and went back to his phone. Without thinking about my actions, I launched at him, sending him falling back against the couch as I landed awkwardly on his lap. Not deterred by the position, I grabbed for his phone, my fingers closed around it for a second before it was snatched from my grasp again and held high above my head.

I crossed my arms over my chest as I leant back, trying not to think about how much our bodies were touching.

“Sehun.”

His eyes shone mischievously as he stared up at me, a plan forming in his mind that I was sure I’d know about very soon.

“You really want me to delete it?”

“Of course.”

“Then you have to do something for me.” I wanted to wipe that smirk off his face.

Against my better judgment I played along with his scheme, uncrossing my arms from my chest and waited for him to continue.

He looked to be hesitating for a moment, before his eyes turned hard, full of resolve.

“Kiss me.”

I sputtered before I was able to place a hand over my mouth, sure that I heard him wrong. “W-What?”

He smirked. “If you want me to delete it, you have to kiss me.”

I shuffled my hips trying to get myself away from him; this is not what I had expected to happen. He grabbed my hips tightly, holing me in place. “This is highly inappropriate, Sehun.”

“So is the way you look at me during fan meets and around the dorm. It’s inappropriate for us to sit and watch movies and fall asleep together.” He paused, staring at me with those beautiful dark eyes of his and I almost felt all the walls around me come crashing down. “It’s inappropriate for you to kiss me, but I want you to do it anyway.”

“Sehun…”

His eyes smouldered as he stared up at me, and I knew that there was no sense in arguing, I knew that I wanted this. But my job was important to me and so I pushed him away and climbed off his lap. He let me go this time, hurt at the rejection.

“I know you want to.”

It’s not like that wasn’t obvious.

“That doesn’t make it a good idea.”

He looked away, yawing as he stretched back against the couch. I looked down at him. “I’m going to bed.” He said abruptly, standing up from the couch which caused me to shuffle back. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

I nod, ready to leave it at that. He went to step by me before I felt myself being drawn towards him by an arm around my back. I gasped in shock as he pulled me against his body; I caught the glimmer in his eyes before his face was moving towards me and I had no time to react before his mouth connected with mine. My eyes squeezed shut as I willed the moment to pass quicker. He pulled away soon after, his hands resting on my shoulders as he gaged my reaction.

“Sehun,” I breathed, reaching up to touch my lips.

He smiled slightly and pulled away from me completely. I stumbled before catching myself and watched him walk towards the door.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” He said before he was out of sight.

I stood there for another five minutes, long after I heard his bedroom door shut, my mind racing as I tried to find a rational reason as to why that just happened, and why I allowed it to. Did he not realise just how utterly stupid it was to get involved with each other?

It was one thing to give each other longing teasing glances and subtle touches, but it was another, almost dangerous thing to know how the other feels.

How could he be so careless?

Why was I wishing he would do it again?

~~.~~

“We’re number one!”

The atmosphere coming from the tables in the corner of the restaurant was overwhelming. Twelve boys surrounded by the close members of the staff grinned from ear to ear as they celebrated all of their hard work.

I sat squished between Sehun and Chanyeol, no one understanding the concept of personal space as too many people crammed around three small tables cluttered with food and drink.

Everyone cheered and yelled as the managers gave their speeches, each praising the boys for their hard effort over the year. I sat back in my seat as much as I could and watched them. I could tell just by looking at them that they were exhausted and yet every single one of them was here and grinning and happy, that I almost forgot just how hard it was for them to get where they currently were. And I smiled because this was only the start for them. I had come to know all of them in more depth, come to care for each and every one of them and it felt sitting there in that moment like I was with family.

Sehun turned to me, a shy smile on his lips as his eyes rake over my face taking in my expression. I smiled back at him, having grown the fondest of him. He leaned against me slightly, the action going unnoticed by everyone at the table as we’re all crammed so close together. I tried not to react as I felt his hand rest against my thigh, stroking lightly against the tight fabric of my jeans. Since the kiss a month ago he had never been so forward, it went so far as to make me question if the kiss actually even happened or not. His attitude towards me was how it always was, close, but not too close. But as his hand stroked my thigh in a way that said nothing of just friendship, I was more than positive that I was not imagining anything.

“Sehun, stop it,” I whispered quietly, looking at him out of the corner of my eye so I didn’t bring attention to us.

He grinned, squeezing my thigh lightly before resuming stroking it.

Chanyeol leans against me shoving food into his already full causing me to tense up against Sehun’s hand. If someone were to catch us, even if that person is Chanyeol, t will spell disaster for everyone. I squeezed my eyes shut, before standing up suddenly. Sehun’s hand fell from my thigh back into his lap as everyone stares up at me.

“화장실 가 고 십어요!” ( _I want to go to the bathroom!)_

Somebody started laughing under their breath, but I was up and out of my chair in an instant walking swiftly to the bathroom in an attempt to escape Sehun.

I stop, slamming the door behind me and locking it before I rest my hands against the sink. I look at my reflection, taking in the flush on my cheeks and curse myself for getting so obviously worked up. I take deep breaths, trying to get my breathing under control before I can head back out there. I’m going to have to sit somewhere else; no way can I sit next to him again and be subjected to his bold childishness with everyone present.

What the hell has come over him? How could any of him think that doing that at any time would be a good idea?

I have to put an end to this.

I felt my stomach twist at the thought of letting him go. That can’t be good.

I step away from the mirror, fanning my cheeks quickly to cool myself down, straighten my clothes and step out of the bathroom.

I can’t allow Sehun to affect me like this.

~~.~~

“Ten…”

My throat was rough as alcohol ran through my veins, my smile wide as I stared at the people who surrounded me. A sea of people who I had come to know and love over the course of the year.  

“Nine...”

Baekhyun walked in front of me and refilled my cup; I smiled at him sweetly, placing my cup against his in cheers before he moved along.

“Eight…”

I walked by people, my legs wobbling slightly as the alcohol coupled with heels made me unsteady. I made my way carefully around a group of my co-workers successfully before my heel snagged on the rug causing me to tumble forward.

“Seven…”

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly preparing myself for the impact with the floor that never came. What I found instead was a hand under my elbow holding me steady before my mind caught up with what was happening and allowed me to straighten myself up.

“Six…”

His eyes reflected the light of the fairy lights strung above us, and I don’t think I had ever seen someone look so beautiful. My skin burned from where he still had a hold of my elbow, it was almost painful, but in the most pleasant way that I had never experienced before.

“Five…”

He stared down at me, a small smile on his lip.

“Four…”

Someone bumped into my from behind sending me crashing into his chest. My drink spilled down the front of his shirt, but he still held me tightly against his chest, unconcerned of the people around us.

“Three…”

My whole body burned at the proximity and my brain worked overtime to try and get my mouth to form words. I pulled back slightly and stared up at him through glazed, drunken eyes.

“Happy New Year, Sehun.”

“Two…”

He frowned slightly, placing a finger against my lips, running it along them lightly as I melted into the touch. I stood still against him as he leaned in closer; I could have counted each individual eyelash as his breath tickled my face.

“One…”

His lips meet mine in a mess of tongue and teeth as I wrap my arms around him to bring him closer against me. I’d like to blame it on the bottle of gin I had flowing through my system that caused my body to explode with sparks big enough to evoke a fire within me. But that would hardly be fair.

Because it was Sehun, the one who made my head spin and my cheeks flush. It was because of him that I didn’t give a thought to the people surrounding us. It was because of him that the shout of,

“HAPPY NEW YEAR,”

was all but drowned out by the sound of my heart racing  and I kissed him and embraced him and loved him with everything I had in me.

He was the one to pull back, his lips swollen and eyes burning bright as he stared at me with a grin.

“Happy New Year, Y/N.”

 

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions that year.

I didn’t need to.


	3. 오렌지 (Orange)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The colour orange is the colour of adventure and social communication.

The beginning of our mutual relationship was an interesting one.

It was clear to the both of us that we wanted the same thing and yet there was tenseness between us that kept us from taking large steps forward. I understood, just as I always had, that his career came first. And I was fine with that, one of the reasons I feel so hard for him was because of his determination to put the effort in and succeed.

But I am only human and wanted nothing more from him then the assurance that we were okay. That we were both going to be okay.

I didn’t think that was asking too much.

~~.~~

I felt tenseness in the air when my parents came to visit.

The leaves had just started to change from green to orange, it was the moment in time when things were beautiful and alive before the change came and those once vibrant leaves fall to the ground in clumps of browns and blacks for people to trample on.

They’d informed me only two weeks before their arrival that they planned on making the long trip. At the time I insisted they stay, that I didn’t need them here, but like parents they refused, their reason being that they hadn’t seen me in over a year.

I understood, but still I was worried.

I hadn’t told them about Sehun, and when I finally got the courage to ask him if he would come to meet them I had queasiness in my stomach that almost forced me to bypass the whole conversation.

I’d caught him when he had a free moment between schedules. We’d found a quiet space and I talked it through with him.

“Will you come with me to meet them?”

He looked reluctant, his eyes casting down as he checked his phone. “I’m kind of busy.”

I huffed, how many times has he used that excuse now? “You’re always busy. I’m asking you for an hour or two.”

“Why do you want me to meet them?”

I held back the scream that threatened to rip out of my throat. How could he be so childish? Instead of bursting into tears like I was tempted to do, I acted as though his words didn’t even affect me.

“Well I was under the impression that we meant something to each other, but clearly I was wrong.”

I began to walk past him when his fingers caught my elbow causing me to confront his panicked eyes.

“I’m sorry,” He’d apologised softly, placing his hand gently against my cheek. Against my better judgment I leant into the touch, having been deprived of it for some time.

“What is going on with you?” I asked the question without looking into his eyes, the sight held within them was too painful.

“I guess I didn’t realise just how much pressure would be put on me,” He shrugs, as if it wasn’t something he’d thought of many times before. I looked at him, noticing the guard he has up now even against me. I watch as a small smile makes its way onto his face and I find myself smiling back. “But it’s okay. When are your parents coming?”

~~.~~

If you were to ask me during the lunch if things were going well I would say hands down that things went over without a hitch.

Sehun met my parents with a smile and small bow, which was promptly returned, before everybody took their seats.

The lunch conversation was anything but interesting, small talk really as everyone tried to find their footing in the unfamiliar setting. I’d held Sehun’s hand under the table, squeezing it often to reassure him that he was doing great. Just the fact that he was there; sitting next to me across from my parents was enough for me to be grateful to him.

I watched as my parents smiled as they looked at him, and I saw a future. A future that looked bright and promising of the four of us sitting down at a similar table in a few years and being comfortable in each other’s presence.

I saw my future with Sehun, happy and complete.

I saw a future that I had never even dared to dream.

I saw a future surrounded by a glow of orange that I had no reason not to trust.

Orange is pure, and bright and truthful.

Orange had no reason to lie.

Orange I could depend on.

~~.~~

“Honey, are you sure that this is a good idea?”

I glanced up from the tea I’d been staring at, my thoughts stumped as I went over the interaction between Sehun and my parents. “Excuse me?”

“Are you sure that it’s a good idea for you to get involved with an idol?” She repeats, making herself clear.

I pushed my cup away from me, folding my hand together as I looked at her. “Why do you think it’s not?”

Both my parents were looking at me as if they were disappointed. They would never say it, or at least I didn’t think they would say, that they were disappointed with the decision I made.

“Look, it’s not that we think it’s not. It’s just -,”

My mother looked to my father for help. I sat there, waiting for at least one of them to speak their mind. My father sighed, running a hand through his hair, and it was then that I knew they’d discussed this alone before.

“Honey, he’ll be away so often. Won’t you be lonely?”

I squinted at him. Did they forget what my job was? I stood up straighter, looked him in the eye and spoke slowly. “As part of his staff, I’ll be going with him.”

“But what about all the attention he’ll be getting?” My mother tried, as if she thought that Sehun would just jump at anyone who gave him a glance.

“You don’t know him,” I mumbled.

“Do you?” My mother asked, as if she held all the answers to all the questions in the world.

I know what she was trying to do. I knew that she was only trying to show me a different way to look at the situation, but her words only caused my stomach to twist, and my head to spin.

I was happy. Wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t that the only thing that mattered?

The silence stretched on as none of us dared to say another word. My mind was too confused by the attack of questions that I had no desire to even try to make her understand my point of view. And they seemed too cautious to continue against me.

Eventually someone huffed and went to sit in front of the television before the rest of us followed. I sat on the arm chair off to the side going over the conversation in my head. Did they not care about my happiness at all to question me?

Though I didn’t want to admit it to them at the time, but there was something worrying me about Sehun but it had nothing to do with him being unfaithful. It was more to do with Sehun himself. What had me worried was the glint I saw in his eyes in the moments he let his guard down completely. The look always had my stomaching clenching with worry, as if I was missing something that was right in front of me. As if there was something he wanted to tell me but just couldn’t find the right words.

But I would never admit that to my parents who seem to be against the relationship as a whole to worry about any little thing that might be going on with the people involved.


	4. 빨간 (Red)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been awhile..

I tried to protect him.

There was a part of me that felt the need to shield him from the harshness of the world. But as it turned out there was absolutely nothing I could do against the harshness in people’s hearts.

I had really begun to notice it a year into debut, at a time when the hateful people surrounding them began to overshadow the good ones. Stupidly I turned a blind eye, reasoning with myself that it would get better with time. I should have known better, because over the years it only got worse. People who still stuck around to call themselves fans began personal attacks against some of the boys that they liked less than their favourites. While most of the members shrugged it off as being nothing more than an annoyance of the job, Sehun took it with great stress and difficulty.

It was as if he sought it out, as if he was trying to punish himself for a crime that he never committed.

There were times when we sat together both just comfortable in the others presence that he brought up his insecurities. He’d rest his arm over my shoulders and talk about his worries of not being a good a dancer as Jongin or Yixing, of how he’d never be a good a singer like the others and that the fans knew it.

It was on one of his darkest days that he brought up his real reason for being accepted into SM.

“You know the rumour.”

I’d looked over at him in confusion.

“The one about me only being accepted into SM because of my looks.”

“Sehun...” I’d begun in an effort to sooth him, something I’d found myself doing a lot of at that time.

“Please, don’t do that.” He gave me a small smile which almost broke my heart. The hurt in his eyes was almost manifested in the air around us. “I understand now that it’s true. Because why else would I be in this band? Sure all the guys are good looking, but they have other talents that are more suitable to being an idol than I do. All I have is my face.”

I’d stayed silent, knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could say to him that would heal his heart.

“What I don’t understand is why they even bother to keep me around now. It’s as if they don’t want to go through another ordeal like they did with Kris and Luhan.”

My eyes had begun to water, and I wiped them quickly, feeling stupid for being the one that was crying. This wasn’t about me.

“I wouldn’t blame them. Honestly I wouldn’t care, because I’d understand why they’d do it.” He’d turned to me again with a vacant look in his eyes which caused my heart to plunge into my stomach. “What’s the point of keeping an untalented idol around?”

I shuffled closer to him, reaching my hand out for his when he shook his head and stood up.

In times like this I would stroke his arm and tell him that those things didn’t matter, that he was his own person and he was just trying to find his own way in the world. I told him that he shouldn’t compare himself to his bandmates or anyone else, because he was worth so much more than his negative thoughts were allowing him to feel.

But he didn’t let me do that this time, instead he walked away from me, just like he did from everyone else, leaving me with a feeling of melancholy which convinced me that there was nothing I could do.

Because I saw the way that the demands of an idol took their toll on him, but like an idiot I looked past them, because we were all new to this and they became more popular than anyone could have predicted.

I told him that the adjustment to this life would take time.

I told him a lot of things, in a way I forced my own thoughts onto him, tried to reassure him with my views and beliefs.

It was the things that I didn’t do that I would come to regret.

Because though he smiled and kissed my cheek with all the love that he could fathom, I missed the way his eyes down casted and his own heart was chipped away at in his chest.

“I’m meant to be with Chanyeol right now. I’ll text you later.”

I was left with the sound of the door closing echoing around a room that no longer felt like a home.

~~.~~

If he wasn’t beaten down by depression, he was angry.

I knew how to handle neither.

Nothing in the years that I had been alive, in the years I had spent maturing into an adult that should be able to handle these two things, could have prepared me for dealing with the type of man he was becoming.

In the beginning, when the change started, I went along with the late nights and the distant looks. But as time passed, I began to see the problem. The real problem that stemmed from deep within Sehun.

He began to stay later and more frequently at the studio with Chanyeol, while I was left to sit and wonder with a heavy heart if he was coming home.

I remember one night I returned to our apartment as clear as if it happened just recently. I was exhausted after running errands for my boss all over Seoul; the only thing getting me through was the thought of returning home to Sehun.

It was the night he’d told me he loved me for the very first time, and the memory still feels like a knife to the heart, twisted by the hateful hand of Sehun.

I made and had dinner by myself, something that by this time in my life I was all too used to. I watched the first half of The Hobbit, before I got bored and opened up at book I had chucked to the side days prior. My eyes grew heavy as I tried to keep myself awake, hoping he’d contact me soon.

I’d fallen asleep without realising it, and startled myself awake only to look outside to find it still dark, only the lights of the street outside illuminating the curtain that had been pulled tightly closed. I’d glanced at my phone, the time telling me it was the early hours of the morning. That glance also told me I had no missed calls and the empty feeling settled over the room told me that Sehun was not home.

I stretched, flinching slightly in fright when the book fell from my lap to the floor with an echoing thud. I got up, walking the space of the apartment to make sure. I didn’t want to call and wake him up if he was by chance asleep in one of the bedrooms. I shouldn’t have been surprised when both were empty, void of any life whatsoever. I sighed heavily as I made my way back to the lounge room, grabbing my phone from the small side table and pressed his contact.

I stood in the dim light of the apartment and listened to the ring give way to his voicemail and which I recorded a heavy sigh and hung up. I waited a few minutes, staring at the phone as if doing so would make it ring. Afterwards I called him again, almost screaming my frustration as the call went straight to voicemail, an obvious sign that the phone had been switched off.

I had no time to feel worried about where he could be, because I knew exactly where.

I grabbed my keys off the bench and made my way down to the basement, annoyed that I had to take one of his cars, instead of the bus as it was too late in the night and they had long stopped running.

I tried calling him one more time before I left the building, throwing the phone on the passenger seat when it went straight to voicemail again. I was pissed.

I sped through the streets, thankful that at that time of the morning there were few other cars on the road. I pulled up outside the shining building, not surprised that most of the lights are still on, shining through the opened windows. In my haste to get in the building, I don’t even remember if I locked the car, but my mind was too corrupted with thoughts of more important things.

I raced through the building, missing the greetings of the few security guards standing at their posts.  Would come to feel guilty over ignoring them later, but at that time Sehun was more of a priority. I knew exactly where he would be. I’d had more than a few conversations with Chanyeol over the months when Sehun’s change began, over what the youngest was up to the nights he never came home.

The tall man had come to me worried about some things that Sehun had brought up with him. He talked about how Sehun wanted to do more, to contribute to the group. But Chanyeol himself thought that he wasn’t doing it for the right reasons. Because Sehun has no natural talent or patience for composition, where Chanyeol had abundance. Chanyeol would mention how Sehun was easily frustrated at him and himself for being unable to understand the technicalities behind the practice.

I realised the depths of Sehun’s despair when Chanyeol mentioned that Sehun thinks he brings nothing to the group. I’d thanked Chanyeol for his coming to me, but I was as confused as ever.

I stopped in front of the door to Chanyeol’s studio; I could hear hushed whispers and occasional laughter flowing from the other side.

Well I’m glad to hear he’s having a good time.

I pushed the door open, not worried about interrupting them, because if he had just answered the phone when I called I wouldn’t have had to come here.

I found him hunched over his computer, mumbling curses under his breath. Chanyeol lifts his head to look at me and gives me a small smile, acknowledging my existence. Sehun does not do the same.

I’d walked up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder that caused him to flinch away from me. If he knew it was me, he didn’t show it.

“Sehun?” The cautiousness in my own voice had me cringing in distaste, that wasn’t me.

“What do you want?” He hadn’t even turned to address me, his eyes glued to the screen as he tried to work out a background beat to one of his new songs.

I’m taken aback by his hard tone and stare at his back, urging him to face me. My prayers go unanswered. I glanced at Chanyeol who shrugged telling me he doesn’t know what to do either. “Are you coming home?”

Sehun turns to me then, his eyes flashing as he pushes abruptly away from the computer towards me.

“Are you seriously going to do this now?” The venom in his voice I remember had me shrinking back from him, never having heard that tone from him before. And I hated the fact that it was directed towards me. “Why are you even here?” He yells, thrusting his hand angrily towards me. “I’ll be home when I’m done.”

“You didn’t answer my calls? I came to see if you were okay.”

He’d gestured to the computer screen behind him. “I’m fine, now go home.”

I remember feeling worried, as if there was something he wasn’t telling him and I chose that exact moment to push, my voice soft. “Sehun, you know you can talk to me.”

“I said I’m fine!” He’d yelled in a tone that with anyone else would have ended the conversation. But I knew him better than that, I wouldn’t let him treat me this way, no matter how stressed he was. 

“What is wrong with you lately?”

“I said I’m busy. Why are you being so needy?”

I blinked; I was being anything but. I stood there too shocked to reply, so he continued.

“What do you even want me to say? I can’t be with you every second of the day.”

“That isn’t what this is about,” I was trying to keep my voice calm, wanting one of us to act like an adult in the situation.

“Then what is it?” He threw his hands in the air again, frustrated. “You’re breathing down my neck like you want something, and I can’t focus on work with you here. What are you so worried about?”

At that point I’d had enough. I glanced at Chanyeol again who stood there motionless, watching the exchange between Sehun and I without a word. I turn back to Sehun, seeing his eyes flash at Chanyeol still being in the room. “You. I’m worried about you.”

His whole demeanour changed then, turning into a twisted version of the man I knew. His face twisted into a smirk, which had be on edge. “Don’t be, you’re the only one for me,” He’d winked at the end, causing my stomach to turn in distaste. This isn’t what it was about.

I hadn’t spoken quickly enough and he had continued. “I love you, okay. Now get out.” He turned his back to me again, going back to his work. It was Chanyeol who spoke up.

“Sehun…”

“Don’t,” I cut him off, I’d had enough.

Though the words he’d said were loving, his hard tone caused a seed of hate towards him to grow within me. How dare he think that it was okay to use those words like that. Never once have I heard those words come out of his mouth and to spit them with such a tone in anger, only to think that they would sate me. I was seeing red.

I left after that once I managed to get my legs to function again, slamming the door closed behind me with a hole in my chest that yelled for justice.

~~.~~

“Sehun?”

He lifted his head to glance in my direction, his tired eyes searching my face as he tried to understand the seriousness in my tone.

“Why did you become an idol?”

His eyebrows furrowed slightly at the question, and his eyes turned glazed as if he was remembering something from the past. Eventually he sighed with a small smile on his lips; his dark eyes held mine and I saw something there that I was almost positive I wasn’t supposed to see.

“Honestly, I was never really good for much else.”

My heart clenched with a pain that threatened to envelop everybody I came in contact with.

His pain was mine.

And I was becoming his.


End file.
